Long Live Rock.

So, I was thinking to myself the other day: “What could I possibly write about that would enrapture the senses and entreat the soul?” I pondered upon this for a long while, but could not actually come up with anything. So, instead of something engaging and relevant, you get this.

I’ve never really understood why it is that in modern music, there is an absence of ball-busting guitar solos. I think everyone, in the back of their mind, knows what made music great back in the day: Kick ass instrumental solos. And effective use of heroin. You can’t really beat the effective utilization of heroin when writing songs. But that’s not the point. Everytime I turn on the radio, and am not listening to classic rock (i.e., someone forcefully turns on an alt rock station), I’m utterly disgusted by the crappy lyrics in a vocally dominated artform. These modern bands, they overwhelm the senses with shitty, depressing lyrics, bland and uniform voices that you can barely tell from one band to another, uninspired instrumental backing, and, overall, a severe lack of guitar solos. Now, they try to fool ya’. The singer stops, you know, tossing shit out of his mouth, and there’s a slight break in the monotony, where you think they’re just gonna’ break off and go Eruption on your ass. How fuckin’ wrong are you? No, they start a subtly differing guitar riff, which they then decide needs words. I’ve never heard of a guitar solo with words. Sort of defeats the purpose, doesn’t it? For some reason, people have forgotten that sometimes, words aren’t important. Just, go listen to some Pink Floyd (specifically Comfortably Numb), or perhaps the Rain Song by Led Zeppelin. The words there are important, yet, they aren’t the main attraction. They strike a balance between the vocal portion, and the instruments. That’s what we need. I want some more God damned rock on the air, not this pussy ass shit they try to pass off as the “next generation of music”. Music doesn’t need a damned next generation, especially when this generation is fading, and fading fast. Honestly, can you name a recent band that’s really pushed the envelope? That’s made a lasting impression on you? That’s changed the face of music? I can’t. It’s sickening, really. But rock has yet to be written off as dead. It will rise, rise from the ashes, like the phoenix of legend. It shall be reborn, and cleanse the earth with its holy sound. To quote AC/DC: “Rock n’ roll ain’t noise pollution/ Rock n’ roll ain’t gonna’ die.

Brendan Madden.

Ways to be Manly

Hello this is Alex, and I believe that there are many different ways to show manliness in your every day lives. So to help promote the exhibition of manliness in the world, Brendan and I decided to make a list of ways to show your virility. In no particular order…

1. Use your cock to perform various every-day tasks such as opening doors and preparing your dinner.
2. Headbutting a woman in the ovaries (brought up by iheartblackeyes but originated by MADDOX)
3. Killing hippies in as many different ways as you can
4. Burning trees and destroying the (rain)forests.

So although the list is small, it is on its way. So please contribute your thoughts on “manly ways” to live. We will write your “way” as well as your name, so please feel free to contribute as many good manly ways to live life as you can. Start thinking assholes.              

 Alex Bansleben

Bitchin’

I would like to talk about the song Free Bird, possibly one of the manliest songs ever made.
Free Bird is by Lynyrd Skynyrd. They are not Metal of course, but since classic rock comes in a close second as the manliest of sounds, are still very important to the evolution of man through the ages. Free Bird is especially important because it is the manliest individual song in history. Seriously, what is more manly than a song about ditching your bitch girlfriend through figures of speech pertaining to birds, and then busting into a boner-inducing five minute long guitar solo. I’ll tell you what’s more manly than that: Nothing. I didn’t always realize this, mind you. I only divined the truth behind Free Bird when I noticed that no women like the song. No man has ever expressed distaste toward Free Bird, it is impossible. Women, however, are sickened by it. It is too manly for them to bear. Sad, really. They always attempt to change the station when it comes on the radio. It’s tough to keep them from succeeding, because it’s a long song, and after a while your hand gets numb from smacking them away from the radio for ten minutes. It is possible, however, by channeling the pure manliness contained in Free Bird. Your powers will be at their height during the middle of the guitar solo, so attempt to persuade them to try and change it at that point, where your ability to halt their heretical actions is nigh unstoppable.

From the Good Book:

“And thus, He spake unto the farmers: Go forth, and spread thine seed amongst the masses. Plant new life in all places. In the back of the crowd, however, a man mistook His words, and thus began the reign of Jehobim the Rapist: upon his death, he laid claim to 43 women, 19 young girls, 3 cows, a dog, and a mountain.

Brendan Madden.

The Beginning of Your New-found Manliness

I believe that everyday you should ask yourself the question of “Am I proving the fact that the male gender is the vastly better of the two?” or “Am I letting some woman control my life on a daily basis?” Well if the answer to the first one is ‘no’ and the answer to the second one is ‘yes’, then you have a serious problem on your hands.

I’m too lazy to write too much write now (get it, I said “write now” HAHAHAHAA but enough of the puns and corny jokes) but I can provide one tip that has helped me almost every day. This tip is a very easy one to follow, assuming you can talk. Actually, the only thing you need say is “bitch”, but I’ll get to that in just a hot-second (which is a unit of measurement for time). So here goes…

Whenever you are driving, or you are in a car, and someone else does something stupid, you should go on a wild rampage. Let me elaborate. For example, If someone cuts you off, there are 3 things you should do
1) Assume it is a woman
2) Drive around her (to cut her off…er…pass her) and when you make eye contact, give her the best middle finger you can pull off, and mouth the words “you bitch”. (See, you don’t even need to talk. This demonstrates your manliness by exhibiting road rage, as well as your laziness (which is manly) by not even talking.)
3) Cut her off like she did to you in the most reckless way possible.
4) Repeat process to other shitty drivers

Alex

Concerning the state of manliness in today’s world

Hello. This blog (a word I am sickened by, to tell the truth) is, as the title suggests, all about manliness. Inspired by the words of Maddox, my friend Alex and I have decided that the immortal spirit of man must be spread to all the world; no longer shall we sit idly by as fools and women gallavant about, turning the fairer sex into spineless cowards. We hope to turn the male population into a force to be feared, rather than a submissive group of sheep, easily herded by political correctness and women. It’s getting to the point where I feel exceptional for wanting to kick a bitch in the tits. Sometimes, I wish I didn’t have a cock. Wait, no, nevermind, forget that. I need to rephrase it. Sometimes, I wish they didn’t have cocks. Silly me. The point is, this blog’s purpose is to help further manliness in the world with the teachings of Maddox, and, hopefully, provide a ball-bustingly amazing moment or two.

Here’s my favorite passage from the Bible of Manliness:

“And thus he did lay siege to the fair city’s mighty walls, pounding incessantly into its gate of coarse hair and steel until his mighty battering ram of flesh and blood finally pierced through into the wet and warm passages of the metropolis’ underbelly.”